This Is The Grand Finale

I would consider this a rough draft, however, it ended up being as raw and intense as I wanted it to be so I decided to leave it as is. I also consider this to be one of the most real pieces of work I have ever written. Over every letter, note, text, or journal, this is a piece I wanted to create and just didn't know how. People ask me to share my story. But why is my story any more interesting than someone else's? It's not like I saved a life or won the lottery? I could share with them a story about self-love and self respect, but they don't need to know the details about our story...

Disappearing may not have seemed like the best idea to you or others. However, for me it was the best decision that my heart could make for itself. I was ready to feel unleashed and free from the things I knew my heart didn't deserve, nor want. I know that at a certain point there's nothing I can say to make a heart stop hurting, at least not yours. But I know there was something I could do for myself. There will come a day where all you want to do is live. Suddenly wanting to live more than you ever have.

I hope your heart isn't hurting anymore.

I hope the feelings of anger dissipate.

But here is something a little more personal:

Remember when you joked about that song by Lose You to Love Me? That it could be my anthem? I didn't lose anything, I gained everything. I gained the strongest love I have ever had in my life, self love. We were just kids who thought we had it all, and maybe at one point we did. We were pretty close. But were missing everything at the same time. This is not me diminishing anything we went through, but I know we were not secure in ourselves to be secure for each other. But the ironic part for me, is that I became secure in who I was because of this experience. So for that I can say I am more than grateful for us. The ideas of love for both of us were clearly not the same. I was raised much differently than you, but my goal was to always show my love and passion and concern through my words, personality, and commitment. Sometimes we felt at war with each other, and the wounds we walked away with were much more painful than a physical one. But you always said you liked scars. So allow this one to make a difference in who you are and who you will become. We taught some hard lessons, but the fact of the matter is that we learned something. Something so valuable about what we want and don't want, what we deserve, and how much a person can change you. I am considering psychology now because I am fascinated by how our brains work and I want to know more.

I want you to know this:

I mean it when I say "friends." Because I love my friends. I love making friends. I love being a friend. I know I've been hurt, and you feel hurt. But I have God who gives me strength and who walks with me through the darkest valleys and through all the pain and suffering. He is the reason I can remain friends with someone even if there is pain and frustration residing in my heart somewhere. I am not hurt anymore, and I have forgiven you. To be able to still be here and give advice or just be a person who actually cares, means more to me than anything. Because I know life will get you down sometimes. Modern loneliness. Just know that there is someone out there who is PROUD of you. Someone who genuinely always wanted the best for you and who still prays for you. This could be your grand finale in life, and I will be applauding.

Whoever is reading this, probably knows my heart and how much I will do for others. More importantly how far I'll go to help others be happy. Let me tell you this...If you LOVE yourself, then you will never be alone. If your hand fits in someone else's and it feels right then maybe it is. But give your heart time to heal first. Time to recollect and grow. We know best that when we don't plan to meet people or look for them, is when the right one can show up. If God can make love out of two strangers, he can make love between anyone.

If I could give advice to anyone however, it would be to never skip the FOUNDATIONS of a relationship. The friendship is the most important part. Getting to know how a person works, acts, their beliefs, and overall goal in life. In the end, if you think you love someone but you're not afraid to lose them, it isn't love. But true love comes with a cost. You got to put in the work. I want everyone reading this to remember that is is okay and normal and alright to feel afraid, sad, hurt, and lost. Go to the ones who lead you through the darkness. Pray about it. Find yourself again.

Don't lose your million dollar dreams.

This was my grand finale.

-Jess